I can't deny the fact that there were some great highlights in the last semester, but I also can't say that it wasn't a thousand times different than I ever thought it would or could be. I am grateful to have so many people in my life who care deeply about me, and blessed that they would actually show me their love through a celebration in my honor the weekend of my birthday. I really had a great birthday, and I'm thankful to so many people for that (just wanted to publicly thank everyone, since I wasn't in the mood to post for most of December).
However, I can't think of any other way to describe this last semester than WEIRD. I've done things that I normally wouldn't do. I've had emotions that I normally wouldn't feel. I've learned things about people that shocked me. I've been let down. I've let others down. I've convinced myself that I'm good at convincing others that I'm okay, normal, happy, getting by... and sometimes I am those things. Sometimes I'm not.
I think when your heart is broken you start to see the cracks in everything. I've seen so many flaws in myself and other people. And it makes me question everything. It makes me wonder who I am, who I want others to think I am, in what ways I would like to influence people, what I want to believe and what is right, okay, normal, etc. I have gotten myself into situations that I really regret creating in the first place, but the truth is, I can't go back. Things happen in life, and it's your reaction to them that matters. So does this mean that I am discovering the appropriate way to respond to different situations? Hopefully. It just means right now that I'm trying to make sense of the things I've been taught and the things I've learned, and function in a society that doesn't always tell me things I should believe and makes me alter my life in ways that I shouldn't.
Things are okay now. Much better than they've been... and it's not because I've been trying so hard to make it okay, but because I was fortunate enough to find myself totally okay with letting things fall into place and not try to plan every step of my life. If I would have been honest with myself all along, I would have realized that I knew what I wanted when I was 17, and I would have tried harder not to mess that up. But reconciliation can be so sweet.
1 comment:
hey krista.. i don't know you but i was just searching through blogs and came across yours.. and i have one thing to say.. i know EXACTLY where you're coming from.. i hope that you do come back to blog.. whenever you feel like it.. because you're one of the few that actually puts it out there.. so here's to growing up.. :)
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